Stopping the pick-a-thon

Once we are truly in a relationship it is easy to begin to pick. Everyone does it and in some way we feel that we are somehow entitled because of the close relationship we share.
Well, picking can be one of the things that can slowly destroy any partnership.
When we pick, criticize or bring negativity in everything changes dramatically.
No one likes to be picked on or criticized.
Often we would have learned this behavior from our family or recent past.
If you wish to maintain a good relationship....DON'T PICK!!!!
By its very nature it is such an easy habit to begin and then continue to do.
Although we might justify it to ourselves that it is for their own good that is not always the case.
Behind picking lies control and fear.
The control is us wanting our own way because, of course, we know best.
The fear is also prompting us and usually, it is actually our own fear.
If you have been picky and critical try to stop doing it. Not much comes from it that is positive and in the long run, it can alienate your partner, family or friends.
Basically, it is a negative way to relate to others and like all habits can become embedded in your life.
Make a decision to stop every time you begin to pick and I think your relationship will improve.

How power affects emotional intimacy

A relationship based on love will advantage emotional intimacy; however, a relationship based on power will thwart any kind of intimacy.

Sadly, avoiders and controllers often play their games when it concerns emotional intimacy.

Avoiders will do almost anything to bypass this area. For them it is to be avoided at all costs, even if it damages their most important relationships. Normally, there are control and trust issues at work with these situations. These individuals are uncomfortable with any form of emotional intimacy and will do whatever they deem to be necessary to shut it down. And that will often include you!

Controllers, who can also be avoiders will switch the conversation and try to take over so that intimacy is crushed. Controllers are into power and power games, and they never want an equal relationship. 

Intimacy means that they have to be vulnerable and for them that is a powerless place to be. 

As in life everyone will need varying degrees of intimacy. Lots of people have a very large need for it in their relationships whereas certain couples exist quite happily with a low degree of emotional intimacy. Neither is good nor bad. They are simply different needs.

The problem arises when one person has a greater requirement that the other. Then the gap will be quite noticeable. If I am needing a high level of emotional intimacy, and my partner requires little there will be trouble in paradise.   

In my opinion, emotional intimacy can become a virtual minefield for many of us.  While we can be self-reliant and meet most of our needs this is one that does require another participant. It is hard to be intimate just with yourself. There can be self-reflection but that is not actually intimacy.

Emotional intimacy can also become a battlefield for lots of couples tugging and pushing each other’s buttons. In my experience, numerous people I have met are unable to form intimate relationships with another even though they appear very open and social.

Intimacy has less to do with how we seem to relate and more about how we truly connect. It is a deeper more honest connection which bypasses what I like to call “Pleasantville.”

In truth, few individuals can engage in this way or operate in this sphere. For the majority of us it is too confronting and being in that vulnerable place too painful. Our past hurts all come rearing up and cloud any intimacy from forming.  

It takes a special relationship to hold us safe and allow all those emotions to surface. People take for granted that couples share this emotional intimacy. This is not always true.

It frequently exists outside of the couple relationship and in some way the person in the relationship is supported by the person outside of the relationship.

Women tend to form these bonds and are more likely to receive their emotional needs from outside of their marriages. In general, few even see what is occurring. There is a strange blindness to this situation. Society rarely acknowledges that people even operate like this.  

The more emotionally intimate relationships we have the better for our emotional health and stability. With several intimate partnerships we have more resources upon which to draw, and more people that we can also support.

I believe many of us have struggled with this issue and have never been able to know why we felt the loneliness or disconnection. It is the lack of either the emotional connection or the emotional intimacy or both.

Loneliness occurs when we are not nourished emotionally.  This can begin when we are a baby and follow us throughout our lives.

In addition, we can inadvertently choose people who are emotionally unavailable. In some twist of fate instead of being drawn to the emotionally open we choose the emotional challenged! Our personality might even be one of the emotionally open and yet we continue to be with people who are emotionally absent. This is more common than we all realize.

Three things we need for a good romance

There are three important things we all need for a successful loving relationship.
They are love, chemistry and compatibility.
When there is trouble in paradise usually one or more of these is missing or diminishing.
Now being in love is crucial and even though we all love somewhat differently being in love about the same amount works best.
Next comes chemistry that wonderful electric connection which involves attraction and sexuality. It is often what propels the relationship forward at the start.
Lastly, is being able to live and spend time happily in one another's world. Romantic relationships still require this element because most of our day is not spent in bed. Yes, I know what you were thinking!
When we begin to have problems it can come from one of these areas. Try to look at your relationship from these three places. Then you can fix up or give more attention to the flagging area.
Remember that you might both be struggling in the same area or maybe have completely different areas to one another.  For you, it might be the chemistry one while for them it could be the love section.
Speak to each other in truth and try to find ways to improve things.
If you have had a good relationship it is worth the effort to make it even better. True love is patient and tries to give the other person what they need. 

Emotional Intimacy

Intimacy is a private and shared experience with only two or a few people. By its very nature, intimacy is a chosen response and relies on a close relationship and secure foundation of trust. Usually, an intimate emotional response will not be taken on lightly and there has to be a high level of trust before people commit. 

While emotional connection is like a wide all-encompassing action, emotional intimacy is a smaller, closed one. We might be emotionally attached to our boss and discuss a general emotional issue about one of his kids. However, emotional intimacy regarding our flagging marriage would not be appropriate. That intimate information might be best shared with a close friend or supportive family member.

In a romantic relationship, emotional intimacy is paramount. It is what separates this partnership from many others. It is where we can say exactly how we feel without making excuses for our reactions or for regard to any social expectations. There is great freedom when it comes to emotional intimacy. In this place, all emotions are valid, even the disagreeable ones. 

Intimacy needs a base of trust and equal standing for those involved.

If only one person shares emotional intimacy everything becomes unbalanced. Normally there is one individual who finds emotional intimacy easier to stand in while the other only steps in occasionally. To me, for it to work long term both people have to participate. The degree is not as significant as both being part of the process.

Now intimacy is a swear word for many of us. It brings up all kinds of fear and resistance.

Every relationship will have their own kind of intimacy. Some will encompass it completely while others might have a “faraway” type of intimacy. It really matters less how much is present. Ultimately, it is the match that ensures success.

Partnerships that share emotional intimacy can fair better is the long run. With this connection there is less chance of slipping away from one another. Life is consuming at times but with a firm connection we can hold on strong and weather the challenges. 

Emotional intimacy is sharing in a place of trust. Without a big dose of trust this unique bond will not work.

Tears simply cleanse our soul. Like rain, they wash away the old and allow new growth to come.

Much love, Wendy x

Emotional connection

The emotional relationship pertains to emotional connection and to intimacy. Now even though they might have similar aspects each one is quite different.

Emotional connection means we relate on an emotional level.

 It is less about how we think and more about how we feel. 

In a conversation, we can be connecting to our own feelings and relaying how we are feeling, or we can be connecting to the other person’s emotions and trying to understand how they are feeling.  Empaths are brilliant in this area.

When we talk to our partner about how we are feeling we are experiencing two processes. In one, we are revealing how the situation has made us feel. In the other, we are receiving a response from the other person to what we said. 

There can be a couple of responses. I have noticed that women are more likely to respond from an emotional place and connect with how we are feeling. They may also offer advice or relay a similar event in their lives to parallel our story.

Some men tend to skip the emotional part and begin to use a mental approach to the situation. Mostly, they will problem solve. There is nothing wrong with problem solving. However, it is a head process, whereas emotional connection is more about feelings and allowing them simply to be. 

For example, if your partner is venting about work or crying about the loss of her friend then connecting mentally will not be connecting to her at the level she needs. You will be on the mental floor while she is down on the emotional floor. There will be a separation. 

This is why no satisfaction is gained by either person. The partner wanting emotional connection does not get it and the partner giving mental solutions feels that their ideas are being rejected.

When a person comes to you for emotional connection, connect there. It is just a matter of relating to them from an emotional angle. You don’t have to fix it, solve it, or shut it down. Be quiet and listen. Pretty easy, actually.

With this emotional approach we simply give the other person an emotional space for them to express themselves. Letting another person speak out and cry or vent is a gift of love. Without judgment or problem solving we let them feel exactly how they feel.

There is no better emotional healing than just being there.

For us this method can be quite challenging because our initial instincts kick in; however, it is learning for us as well. To be quiet and allow the other person to find their own answers in the space. 

The four relationships...from "Staying in Love "

The four relationships

Having our four relationships work is the way to happiness. If we find one part is failing all we have to do is to work on getting it back into balance.

In every relationship, there are four parts.

They include two individual relationships and two couple relationships. A romantic partnership, a friendship and family one would all have the four parts operating, or trying to operate. When people acknowledge and function within the four aspects, their partnerships are balanced and harmonious.  

Firstly, there are the two separate relationships. We will call these the individual relationships. In a marriage, I am standing as one person in a relationship with me, and my partner stands as one person in a relationship with himself.

Next as a couple there will be two more relationships. There is a dual couple relationship with both of us in it. Therefore, I will have a relationship with my partner, and he will have a relationship with me.

People rarely see that all relationships have this pattern. That is why many of us struggle in some relationships. For instance, our parents seldom see that beyond the relationship they have with us, and we have with them, there is the one we have with ourselves individually, and they have with themselves. Many parents fail to see our individual lives.

For the relationship to function well, the four sections have to work. This insight helped me not only to recognize the four areas but also to recognize where it was not working so well. Then I could tackle it, and help set it right.    

The more we understand that we have these four aspects of our relationship the greater is our chance of maintaining balance and harmony. 

In following blogs I will expand on this concept. Love, Wendy x

Needs and wants

In all of our relationships there is a struggle between our needs and our wants.

A need is what we cannot live without. A want is something we can live without yet wish we had.

In life, knowing what we need and what we want will help us to sort out the very source of who we are.

It is futile to tell others that they are not fulfilling our needs, without being able to be clear in ourselves what these needs are. Try to make a list of your needs. Is it more physical contact, more mental stimulation, more romance, more nurturing, more emotional connection? What are your needs?

Honestly, until we can be clear about our non-negotiable needs how can the other person know and understand? And when I use the word non-negotiable I mean the very heart of what we can't live happily without.

Once you have figured out the list look at how these needs can be met. Then make a time to discuss it. Ask the other person to also make up their list and together you can work towards a more positive outcome.

Naturally, our needs can sometimes be the same but often they will be very different. We are individuals and therefore we will come from different places.

Usually when our needs are being met we are happy; however, when they are not the relationship begins to flounder and fail.

Love in a relationship is the ability to meet the other person's needs while retaining our own integrity.

This simple exercise will bring clarity and healing to every relationship and help to move it to the next level of love and awareness.

Love, Wendy x

Love and acceptance...from the book "Staying in Love."

Love and acceptance

Love and acceptance are fundamental to all good relationships.

When we love someone, especially in an unconditional way, it feeds the partnership and gives support through all kinds of trouble. Love is the key. It opens us up to being connected to one another in an amazing way.

Without love and acceptance, few relationships remain healthy and last for long. We are by nature flawed individuals all learning our own lessons and making messes along the way. The life we have can bring with it many pressures and problems to work through. Subsequently, just like our life is continually changing, so are we.   

Love is the one emotion that can heal the outcome. Whenever you have to deal with a hard part of the partnership strive to come from place of love, not anger or blame. Of course, it is natural to want to vent and blame. Nevertheless, it will spoil all good relationships in the end. The anger and blame may be valid; however, when we base our solution on those emotions, it will turn out poorly. 

Coming from a place of love will guide us through the storms and bring us to a better, happier outcome.

Acceptance is also paramount. Acceptance is not saying everything is totally okay. Acceptance is a form of love. It is letting go of all the past and moving ahead. Tolerance is similar to acceptance because we find a way to be okay with the decision or situation.

To have been given a loving relationship is a gift. Keep in mind that not everyone is so fortunate. Therefore, try to focus on your love and use it to guide and heal you. Life is short and tricky but with love around, we can surmount even the most difficult problems if we wish to stay together. It simply takes time and effort.  

Feeling disconnected in a connected world

With all the means of connection at our disposal we are the loneliest we have ever been.

It is because to connect on a satisfying level we need to connect energetically. Most of us have to hear the voice and more importantly, be in the same physical space to get nourished.

When we write and text it does form a connection but it gives us less than a real space connection.
By nature we are flock animals who herd together and get our nourishment by being together.

If you are having too many "away connections" like email, text, Facebook be aware of this. While they serve a purpose the feed from them is much less and so is the real connection.

Keep a balance between seeing people in the same room as well as these disconnected methods.
Then that lonely sense we can all feel will be quelled.

Choose to physically connect as opposed to technically and notice the difference. The body and the voice satisfy us like nothing else. 

Everything has its purpose. However, as we become more reliant on the technical world our humanness is being diminished. A coffee with a friend, a hug or a phone call will be so much more satisfying for us. And our connection with these individuals will be stronger and more intact.

If you wish to feel more connected use the physical forms to balance your life back.

It will feed who we truly are.

Conditional love

Conditional love is very common for us. It is a learned way to love and requires us to judge and decide who receives our love or not. The majority of people came from conditional love backgrounds.

In these homes, you are loved, but it can be taken away if you upset them or misbehave. In general, they also decide what punishment fits the crime. In some cases, it might be something serious like stealing, going to jail, etc. Then the punishment exacted can be very hard and unforgiving. The offender can be completely cut out from the entire family for months or forever.

However, in many families it can be as simple as for standing up to them or refusing to attend a family event. Even a request to change an event location or simple non-compliance can set off a massive chain of events.  

Often, there are different rules for various people in the family and this causes even more confusion. For example, the favorite son might choose to spend his Christmas with friends in Europe, and this is accepted while the daughter can’t have the family Christmas with everyone invited at her home.  

Conditional love by its name means there are conditions, and these can alter for different situations or family members. Conditional love always has a power component. It rests on doing whatever they want or the love is withdrawn. The love is used as a weapon.

The danger of being brought up like this is that we may not understand that there are two kinds of love, conditional and unconditional love. Sadly, we can learn only the conditional form of love.

Conditional love can cripple even the most wonderful relationship. This is because as it has a lot of conditions. I will love you if you do this, are like this, behave in this way, etc. Then if you don’t do as I say I will punish you. 

This can involve withdrawal of love, the guilt treatment, the cold shoulder and being made to submit or face the consequences. My parents were skilled in conditional love, and in a way they were great teachers.

Love like this is a form of emotional abuse. 

Conditional love means we can be loving as well as cruel and mean. There are always strict rules to follow, which can also change in a twinkling. Unfortunately, when the rules shift and slide we can easily fall prey to this changing environment. It is an unpredictable type of love. One day, you can be on the family love boat, and the next day you can be all alone in an emotional desert.    

Of course, we all use conditional love at times. However, if it becomes the basis of our partnerships, it will not bring happiness. Added to this, the foundation will be rocky. This is because all the rules made by other family members will make it an unrelaxing way to live.

The best way to recognize conditional love is by watching how people treat others when they are displeasing them. It is also the best way to see it in ourselves. We have all been angry and disappointed with others. Nevertheless, with unconditional love, we will react differently. 

Apart from our family, if we have a partner who loves us unconditionally, and we love conditionally there will be strife. It works in the reverse as well.

Love should be encompassing. Love has wide gates and is forgiving. Unconditional love does not do this at all. 

Keep in mind that coming from our childhood homes does not excuse us from adopting the conditional love model. It is a choice we make. As adults, it is up to us to step up and live in a better way.