Love in Relationships Part 1

 

How to love yourself

There are many books and courses that encourage us to love ourselves. This is a wonderful shift in human consciousness.

Still, on a practical level how do we do this successfully? In my case, I used numerous strategies in an attempt to change my consciousness.

After badmouthing myself for decades, I listened to my take on life and shut down all the bad talk. If I said a negative or disparaging comment regarding who I was, I immediately acknowledged it, and stopped letting it manifest.

Every day, I listed all my good points in my head. I did ten of them at a time. The next day, I listed ten new ones. This became a method of self-talk. I also used Emotional Freedom Tapping (EFT) to remove outdated messages that I had been playing over and over in my head. If you are interested in EFT, you can find a lot of information about it on the Internet.

A practical exercise I did was making myself stand in front of the mirror and telling myself that I loved all of me, including the parts I wrestled with. Of all the modalities I used, this one brought up the most emotion. Frequently, until I filled up my self-love bucket, I would simply stand there crying and sometimes, I was unable to speak. During these moments, I realized how amazing the process was, and how much I needed to do it repeatedly.

In addition, I wrote lists of all my gifts and accomplishments and read them aloud. There is something quite phenomenal about voicing your thoughts and feelings. Somehow, it takes the healing to another place. If you then read out your list to another person, the impact is greater. The healing we gain from this simple process is much more than we know.

In reinventing the new me, I decided to surround myself only with people who nurtured me. Those who could not, I avoided or stood up to. In the situations where I could do neither, I chose to take their awful comments and symbolically throw their words into the fire.

Looking after who we are is self-love, and keeping negativity at bay is a good decision.

Anyone who tries to sow the seed of doubt in you or withholds their support is not giving you love. Normally, these souls have little self-love and may find it almost impossible to give love to anyone, and that will include you.

I focused on looking after my body, mind, and soul. With that decision, my self-love increased and instead of berating and punishing myself, I showered myself in self-love. In addition, eating well, exercising, keeping mentally active, having social and solitary time, and generally being the best parent and friend to myself paid dividends.

As I continued to work on the areas I wished to improve, I came from a loving angle, encouraging and praising myself and getting rid of any form of self-loathing or self-punishment.

On a spiritual level, I filled my body with love and asked to be guided in this wondrous journey. I read books that inspired me, talked to wise souls and stopped negatively comparing who I was with other people.

This shift took concentrated work yet all the time, I knew it was doing me good. Initially, it was hard to see the changes. Gradually, they appeared.

All these steps have brought me to a place where I can truthfully say that I love who I am. This has been a massive achievement, especially considering where I began.

Everyone can attain self-love. With daily practise and single focus, someone who dislikes themselves can change their entire life.

When we learn this lesson in love, it transfers into everything else. Being in a state of self-love, our capacity to love everybody and everything in the world is heightened.

Use my methods, use your methods, and keep working towards a new loving life. One of the greatest accomplishments humans can do is to embrace who they are and live in self-love.

There is a podcast on this too on YouTube...see below or https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moM1Evqi7iQ&list=PLgn-jwYyuvEgojzl57zw7ZBEfzWlbOBy_&index=2&t=7s.

Love, Wendy x

Investing in love

Happy Mother's Day ...Loving your mum and being a mum

The give and take of love....from "It's all about.....Love

When we love another, there is give and take. There has to be a balance for everything to function well. During particular times, there will be imbalances but these are usually righted. We can’t only be the giver or the taker.

A love partnership allows us to experience give and take more than any other union. Giving works well and everyone wants to show their love. Time is given, gifts are given, and kind gestures are made. At the beginning of new unions, the giving propels the relationship ahead. The depth of the exchange can be quite phenomenal. People can shelter others, give them money, and do extraordinary acts in the name of love.

Nonetheless, in love partnerships there can be a discrepancy in this area.

First, let's look at the givers. Although givers are great at giving, they are notoriously poor at receiving and this makes balance impossible. As soon as we give them something or help them, they have a compulsion to pay us back. If this sounds like you, maybe it is time to change that aspect of your behavior. With me, it came from feeling unworthy of receiving. There was also an element of control on my part, a feeling that by letting another give to me meant that I was not in control. After working on my issues, it has become easier on both counts. Still, I had to see why I was uncomfortable with this process and then decide to alter my response.

Parents are notoriously bad in this department, especially with their adult children. They give only to be taken on a family ride. No one forces us to give. Generally, the decades of giving to our children set us up for being treated in this way. For one person to give when another gives little or nothing is a kind of abuse. Generally, this keeps happening when we fail to understand what is occurring and consequently, fail to balance it.

When we love others, it is necessary to be clear-sighted. Everyone has their own measure of give and take; we need to be mindful of who is putting in and who is taking.

Love is a two-way action in its purest form. With children and young teens, we expect the balance to go their way. Whereas, in adult relationships we have to respond differently. We need to seek balance. Some of our loved ones will never face their part in giving, and regrettably, at every opportunity, they will take. In these circumstances, all we can do is not to be blind-sided.

Take a moment and look around at your circle of loved ones. Next, figure out how this give and take dynamic is operating in your world. Are you always giving? Are they always taking? Which relationships are too lopsided? Which relationships are quite balanced? Where are the imbalances?

Everyone is entitled to give as much as they choose. Everyone is entitled to take as much as they want and that is where the giver needs to establish a new order. If we don’t want to be taken, then we must make the decision not to let ourselves be. It could be as simple as not giving until the other party gives back, or only giving when we can cope with the disappointment of not receiving in return.

Although we all want to be wonderful generous souls who never count the cost, we don’t want to be used. There is a fine line between the two parts of our nature. We need to maintain our ability to give, while considering our need for self-love and self-worth. We also need to nurture ourselves, not only others, in our quest to be loving and giving individuals.

When it comes to receiving, everyone has their own learning. Some live to get and have no conscience in taking the last piece of cake. Frequently, these people show themselves if we choose to see. With them, we have to be on red alert and hide our stuff. We might have to make sure they take their wallet when we go out for dinner, or we will be paying the bill. They are takers, but we don’t have to dance to their tune. We must be realistic with loved ones who habitually take, and set limits with them.

Making boundaries will stop anger from festering and discourage them to a degree. We must not let ourselves be manipulated into handing over money or being roped into doing their work, unless it suits us. Normally, takers are skilled at getting what they want.

Entitlement features high with takers. Somewhere in their psyche they truly believe that the world owes them and of course, so do we! Entitlement is a strange and fairly entrenched aspect of their personality. From their perspective, it validates all their actions and justifies what they do. Givers have no entitlement issues. They give and tend to stand back rather than push their agenda. For givers, entitlement smacks of selfishness, and they are uncomfortable with that behavior.

Why love is better than ego

Ego is the "I" part of us. It is the false self of who we are. Ego is governed by power, control, self-absorption,and is based on fear. Those who have big egos do not love themselves enough. In a strange twist, their lack of self-love blocks true love from existing in their world.  Instead they focus on dominating all of their relationships and like spoilt brats, eventually destabilize every loving union they have. 

That's the bad news. Now the good news.

Ego-driven relationships can be saved. Saved by two kinds of love-our self-love and our love for others. When we keep coming from love, ego diminishes. We all have a degree of ego. However, too much"I" is unhealthy, and stops us from being able to put loved ones first. 

In an ego partnership, our needs always come first, above our partner.

In a love-based union, in a place of self-love , we happily meet the needs of our partner. It is a joy to do so. 

Love gives without measure. Ego takes for the self.   

To lessen our ego-based behavior, we need to mindful and come from love on every occasion. Whenever possible we need to 

- stop arguing about everything 

-stop having to be right

-stop criticizing and laying blame 

-stop withholding love as punishment 

-stop  playing power games 

-stop diminishing 

-stop shaming others

- stop making up lies to hold the powerwith

-stop taking and not giving back

-stop defending, judging, and avoiding issues 

-stop being selfish 

-stop hurting others to assert our power

-stop disconnecting from loved ones

-stop being mean, nasty, or cruel

Instead in love we

-find ways to agree and find compromise

-embrace others and accept their right to their own opinions or beliefs

-give praise and encouragement

-give love unconditionally 

-refrain from power playing

-lift our loved ones up, especially when they are down

-show how proud we are of them

-speak the truth kindly

-be willing to sacrifice our needs when necessary 

-be giving and kind 

-show compassion and understanding

-listen in an nonjudgmental way 

-be open to advice and show respect for others

-be willing to admit our wrongdoings

-strive never to intentionally hurt another person or animal

- love unconditionally in every situation we encounter

All of us can move from an ego-based life but there is only one path to success. It is the path of unconditional love. With a loving intention, every step moves us further away from ego and closer to love. Love dissolves the ego, and makes us whole again. 

How to say no.

For some of us, saying no is hard. We may have been brought up as pleasers and this is an inbuilt response.
Saying no when we don't want to do something is being honest. Life sends us many difficult people and situations and saying no can challenge even the strongest souls.
When we decide to stand up and speak our truth it may feel uncomfortable and bring up fear. We may even feel guilty. However, looking after ourselves is an act of self-love. We are doing what is intuitively best for us and honoring who we are.
To start, we  decide how best to say no. Next, we have to work out the best method. Using distance can work well. If we need we can use email, text, or voicemail.
Without the other person trying to persuade us we are more likely to get an outcome that we need.
Face to face is good but in the beginning it may be too challenging.
Once we see that looking after our needs is a healthy choice, saying no becomes easier.

How power affects emotional intimacy

A relationship based on love will advantage emotional intimacy; however, a relationship based on power will thwart any kind of intimacy.

Sadly, avoiders and controllers often play their games when it concerns emotional intimacy.

Avoiders will do almost anything to bypass this area. For them it is to be avoided at all costs, even if it damages their most important relationships. Normally, there are control and trust issues at work with these situations. These individuals are uncomfortable with any form of emotional intimacy and will do whatever they deem to be necessary to shut it down. And that will often include you!

Controllers, who can also be avoiders will switch the conversation and try to take over so that intimacy is crushed. Controllers are into power and power games, and they never want an equal relationship. 

Intimacy means that they have to be vulnerable and for them that is a powerless place to be. 

As in life everyone will need varying degrees of intimacy. Lots of people have a very large need for it in their relationships whereas certain couples exist quite happily with a low degree of emotional intimacy. Neither is good nor bad. They are simply different needs.

The problem arises when one person has a greater requirement that the other. Then the gap will be quite noticeable. If I am needing a high level of emotional intimacy, and my partner requires little there will be trouble in paradise.   

In my opinion, emotional intimacy can become a virtual minefield for many of us.  While we can be self-reliant and meet most of our needs this is one that does require another participant. It is hard to be intimate just with yourself. There can be self-reflection but that is not actually intimacy.

Emotional intimacy can also become a battlefield for lots of couples tugging and pushing each other’s buttons. In my experience, numerous people I have met are unable to form intimate relationships with another even though they appear very open and social.

Intimacy has less to do with how we seem to relate and more about how we truly connect. It is a deeper more honest connection which bypasses what I like to call “Pleasantville.”

In truth, few individuals can engage in this way or operate in this sphere. For the majority of us it is too confronting and being in that vulnerable place too painful. Our past hurts all come rearing up and cloud any intimacy from forming.  

It takes a special relationship to hold us safe and allow all those emotions to surface. People take for granted that couples share this emotional intimacy. This is not always true.

It frequently exists outside of the couple relationship and in some way the person in the relationship is supported by the person outside of the relationship.

Women tend to form these bonds and are more likely to receive their emotional needs from outside of their marriages. In general, few even see what is occurring. There is a strange blindness to this situation. Society rarely acknowledges that people even operate like this.  

The more emotionally intimate relationships we have the better for our emotional health and stability. With several intimate partnerships we have more resources upon which to draw, and more people that we can also support.

I believe many of us have struggled with this issue and have never been able to know why we felt the loneliness or disconnection. It is the lack of either the emotional connection or the emotional intimacy or both.

Loneliness occurs when we are not nourished emotionally.  This can begin when we are a baby and follow us throughout our lives.

In addition, we can inadvertently choose people who are emotionally unavailable. In some twist of fate instead of being drawn to the emotionally open we choose the emotional challenged! Our personality might even be one of the emotionally open and yet we continue to be with people who are emotionally absent. This is more common than we all realize.