Love and acceptance...from the book "Staying in Love."

Love and acceptance

Love and acceptance are fundamental to all good relationships.

When we love someone, especially in an unconditional way, it feeds the partnership and gives support through all kinds of trouble. Love is the key. It opens us up to being connected to one another in an amazing way.

Without love and acceptance, few relationships remain healthy and last for long. We are by nature flawed individuals all learning our own lessons and making messes along the way. The life we have can bring with it many pressures and problems to work through. Subsequently, just like our life is continually changing, so are we.   

Love is the one emotion that can heal the outcome. Whenever you have to deal with a hard part of the partnership strive to come from place of love, not anger or blame. Of course, it is natural to want to vent and blame. Nevertheless, it will spoil all good relationships in the end. The anger and blame may be valid; however, when we base our solution on those emotions, it will turn out poorly. 

Coming from a place of love will guide us through the storms and bring us to a better, happier outcome.

Acceptance is also paramount. Acceptance is not saying everything is totally okay. Acceptance is a form of love. It is letting go of all the past and moving ahead. Tolerance is similar to acceptance because we find a way to be okay with the decision or situation.

To have been given a loving relationship is a gift. Keep in mind that not everyone is so fortunate. Therefore, try to focus on your love and use it to guide and heal you. Life is short and tricky but with love around, we can surmount even the most difficult problems if we wish to stay together. It simply takes time and effort.  

Feeling disconnected in a connected world

With all the means of connection at our disposal we are the loneliest we have ever been.

It is because to connect on a satisfying level we need to connect energetically. Most of us have to hear the voice and more importantly, be in the same physical space to get nourished.

When we write and text it does form a connection but it gives us less than a real space connection.
By nature we are flock animals who herd together and get our nourishment by being together.

If you are having too many "away connections" like email, text, Facebook be aware of this. While they serve a purpose the feed from them is much less and so is the real connection.

Keep a balance between seeing people in the same room as well as these disconnected methods.
Then that lonely sense we can all feel will be quelled.

Choose to physically connect as opposed to technically and notice the difference. The body and the voice satisfy us like nothing else. 

Everything has its purpose. However, as we become more reliant on the technical world our humanness is being diminished. A coffee with a friend, a hug or a phone call will be so much more satisfying for us. And our connection with these individuals will be stronger and more intact.

If you wish to feel more connected use the physical forms to balance your life back.

It will feed who we truly are.

Conditional love

Conditional love is very common for us. It is a learned way to love and requires us to judge and decide who receives our love or not. The majority of people came from conditional love backgrounds.

In these homes, you are loved, but it can be taken away if you upset them or misbehave. In general, they also decide what punishment fits the crime. In some cases, it might be something serious like stealing, going to jail, etc. Then the punishment exacted can be very hard and unforgiving. The offender can be completely cut out from the entire family for months or forever.

However, in many families it can be as simple as for standing up to them or refusing to attend a family event. Even a request to change an event location or simple non-compliance can set off a massive chain of events.  

Often, there are different rules for various people in the family and this causes even more confusion. For example, the favorite son might choose to spend his Christmas with friends in Europe, and this is accepted while the daughter can’t have the family Christmas with everyone invited at her home.  

Conditional love by its name means there are conditions, and these can alter for different situations or family members. Conditional love always has a power component. It rests on doing whatever they want or the love is withdrawn. The love is used as a weapon.

The danger of being brought up like this is that we may not understand that there are two kinds of love, conditional and unconditional love. Sadly, we can learn only the conditional form of love.

Conditional love can cripple even the most wonderful relationship. This is because as it has a lot of conditions. I will love you if you do this, are like this, behave in this way, etc. Then if you don’t do as I say I will punish you. 

This can involve withdrawal of love, the guilt treatment, the cold shoulder and being made to submit or face the consequences. My parents were skilled in conditional love, and in a way they were great teachers.

Love like this is a form of emotional abuse. 

Conditional love means we can be loving as well as cruel and mean. There are always strict rules to follow, which can also change in a twinkling. Unfortunately, when the rules shift and slide we can easily fall prey to this changing environment. It is an unpredictable type of love. One day, you can be on the family love boat, and the next day you can be all alone in an emotional desert.    

Of course, we all use conditional love at times. However, if it becomes the basis of our partnerships, it will not bring happiness. Added to this, the foundation will be rocky. This is because all the rules made by other family members will make it an unrelaxing way to live.

The best way to recognize conditional love is by watching how people treat others when they are displeasing them. It is also the best way to see it in ourselves. We have all been angry and disappointed with others. Nevertheless, with unconditional love, we will react differently. 

Apart from our family, if we have a partner who loves us unconditionally, and we love conditionally there will be strife. It works in the reverse as well.

Love should be encompassing. Love has wide gates and is forgiving. Unconditional love does not do this at all. 

Keep in mind that coming from our childhood homes does not excuse us from adopting the conditional love model. It is a choice we make. As adults, it is up to us to step up and live in a better way.