Conditional love

Conditional love is very common for us. It is a learned way to love and requires us to judge and decide who receives our love or not. The majority of people came from conditional love backgrounds.

In these homes, you are loved, but it can be taken away if you upset them or misbehave. In general, they also decide what punishment fits the crime. In some cases, it might be something serious like stealing, going to jail, etc. Then the punishment exacted can be very hard and unforgiving. The offender can be completely cut out from the entire family for months or forever.

However, in many families it can be as simple as for standing up to them or refusing to attend a family event. Even a request to change an event location or simple non-compliance can set off a massive chain of events.  

Often, there are different rules for various people in the family and this causes even more confusion. For example, the favorite son might choose to spend his Christmas with friends in Europe, and this is accepted while the daughter can’t have the family Christmas with everyone invited at her home.  

Conditional love by its name means there are conditions, and these can alter for different situations or family members. Conditional love always has a power component. It rests on doing whatever they want or the love is withdrawn. The love is used as a weapon.

The danger of being brought up like this is that we may not understand that there are two kinds of love, conditional and unconditional love. Sadly, we can learn only the conditional form of love.

Conditional love can cripple even the most wonderful relationship. This is because as it has a lot of conditions. I will love you if you do this, are like this, behave in this way, etc. Then if you don’t do as I say I will punish you. 

This can involve withdrawal of love, the guilt treatment, the cold shoulder and being made to submit or face the consequences. My parents were skilled in conditional love, and in a way they were great teachers.

Love like this is a form of emotional abuse. 

Conditional love means we can be loving as well as cruel and mean. There are always strict rules to follow, which can also change in a twinkling. Unfortunately, when the rules shift and slide we can easily fall prey to this changing environment. It is an unpredictable type of love. One day, you can be on the family love boat, and the next day you can be all alone in an emotional desert.    

Of course, we all use conditional love at times. However, if it becomes the basis of our partnerships, it will not bring happiness. Added to this, the foundation will be rocky. This is because all the rules made by other family members will make it an unrelaxing way to live.

The best way to recognize conditional love is by watching how people treat others when they are displeasing them. It is also the best way to see it in ourselves. We have all been angry and disappointed with others. Nevertheless, with unconditional love, we will react differently. 

Apart from our family, if we have a partner who loves us unconditionally, and we love conditionally there will be strife. It works in the reverse as well.

Love should be encompassing. Love has wide gates and is forgiving. Unconditional love does not do this at all. 

Keep in mind that coming from our childhood homes does not excuse us from adopting the conditional love model. It is a choice we make. As adults, it is up to us to step up and live in a better way.