How to Fix Your Relationship

Love in Relationships Part 1

 

Equal Investment

 

How to connect to others and give them attention in a loving way

Connecting down the layers ....from 'It's all about romantic relationships".

When we initially meet someone, we connect on the first layer. The first layer may be exciting, and our interest spiked so we wish to continue meeting. The subjects we speak about may be superficial, but not always. With certain people we quickly communicate in a meaningful way.

As the relationship develops we begin to filter down into the layers, further and further down. Problems may surface as we move down the layers. Knowing someone on level one may feel unlike knowing them on level ten. This is a natural and healthy progression in our relationships from romantic ones to friendships. 

Initially, we may not recognize the layers and their impact. We come from diverse genetic and environmental backgrounds, besides having our individual personalities. It is normal to strike aspects of each other that we neither understand nor possibly like. However, when we face this, it is not necessary to give up on our relationship. 

The deeper the layers, the more chance there may be for discord. The challenge is to embrace the dissimilarities and remain in a healthy space. In my marriage, we would hit layers in which we could not see eye to eye. At first, we tried to convince and change each other's mind, but it was to no avail. Then we accepted that on this layer, we differed. We might be able to put up with a differing opinion on smoking yet have no leeway with a stance on drugs. 

Numerous differences may have to be acknowledged as we moved through our layers of "getting to know us." The layers present obstacles, or opportunities for growth or change. 

Empowering relationships embrace and foster difference. Our partner does not always have to believe or agree with our point of view. 

We may agree to disagree.

In some partnerships, we may only be prepared to absorb so many layers before ending it. It is a shame because having conquered and sorted out layer five may bring us to layer six in which we have more commonalities. Not all the layers present problems. 

There is always something new to learn about the person we live with. As time passes, we change and as does our bias and knowledge bank. Perhaps what we could not cope with as a thirty-year-old may be different in our sixties. Age can bring understanding and a wider view. Getting older does not mean that we have to become less flexible. It is stubbornness and an unwillingness to grow, not age that is the real source of inflexibility.

With the massive changes in our world, we may be challenged every day to expand our consciousness and outlook.

Relationships are like rivers that twist, divert, and change. Be open to the changes as we sail deeper into our togetherness, while seeking to find healthy and loving solutions. 

The give and take of love....from "It's all about.....Love

When we love another, there is give and take. There has to be a balance for everything to function well. During particular times, there will be imbalances but these are usually righted. We can’t only be the giver or the taker.

A love partnership allows us to experience give and take more than any other union. Giving works well and everyone wants to show their love. Time is given, gifts are given, and kind gestures are made. At the beginning of new unions, the giving propels the relationship ahead. The depth of the exchange can be quite phenomenal. People can shelter others, give them money, and do extraordinary acts in the name of love.

Nonetheless, in love partnerships there can be a discrepancy in this area.

First, let's look at the givers. Although givers are great at giving, they are notoriously poor at receiving and this makes balance impossible. As soon as we give them something or help them, they have a compulsion to pay us back. If this sounds like you, maybe it is time to change that aspect of your behavior. With me, it came from feeling unworthy of receiving. There was also an element of control on my part, a feeling that by letting another give to me meant that I was not in control. After working on my issues, it has become easier on both counts. Still, I had to see why I was uncomfortable with this process and then decide to alter my response.

Parents are notoriously bad in this department, especially with their adult children. They give only to be taken on a family ride. No one forces us to give. Generally, the decades of giving to our children set us up for being treated in this way. For one person to give when another gives little or nothing is a kind of abuse. Generally, this keeps happening when we fail to understand what is occurring and consequently, fail to balance it.

When we love others, it is necessary to be clear-sighted. Everyone has their own measure of give and take; we need to be mindful of who is putting in and who is taking.

Love is a two-way action in its purest form. With children and young teens, we expect the balance to go their way. Whereas, in adult relationships we have to respond differently. We need to seek balance. Some of our loved ones will never face their part in giving, and regrettably, at every opportunity, they will take. In these circumstances, all we can do is not to be blind-sided.

Take a moment and look around at your circle of loved ones. Next, figure out how this give and take dynamic is operating in your world. Are you always giving? Are they always taking? Which relationships are too lopsided? Which relationships are quite balanced? Where are the imbalances?

Everyone is entitled to give as much as they choose. Everyone is entitled to take as much as they want and that is where the giver needs to establish a new order. If we don’t want to be taken, then we must make the decision not to let ourselves be. It could be as simple as not giving until the other party gives back, or only giving when we can cope with the disappointment of not receiving in return.

Although we all want to be wonderful generous souls who never count the cost, we don’t want to be used. There is a fine line between the two parts of our nature. We need to maintain our ability to give, while considering our need for self-love and self-worth. We also need to nurture ourselves, not only others, in our quest to be loving and giving individuals.

When it comes to receiving, everyone has their own learning. Some live to get and have no conscience in taking the last piece of cake. Frequently, these people show themselves if we choose to see. With them, we have to be on red alert and hide our stuff. We might have to make sure they take their wallet when we go out for dinner, or we will be paying the bill. They are takers, but we don’t have to dance to their tune. We must be realistic with loved ones who habitually take, and set limits with them.

Making boundaries will stop anger from festering and discourage them to a degree. We must not let ourselves be manipulated into handing over money or being roped into doing their work, unless it suits us. Normally, takers are skilled at getting what they want.

Entitlement features high with takers. Somewhere in their psyche they truly believe that the world owes them and of course, so do we! Entitlement is a strange and fairly entrenched aspect of their personality. From their perspective, it validates all their actions and justifies what they do. Givers have no entitlement issues. They give and tend to stand back rather than push their agenda. For givers, entitlement smacks of selfishness, and they are uncomfortable with that behavior.

Why love is better than ego

Ego is the "I" part of us. It is the false self of who we are. Ego is governed by power, control, self-absorption,and is based on fear. Those who have big egos do not love themselves enough. In a strange twist, their lack of self-love blocks true love from existing in their world.  Instead they focus on dominating all of their relationships and like spoilt brats, eventually destabilize every loving union they have. 

That's the bad news. Now the good news.

Ego-driven relationships can be saved. Saved by two kinds of love-our self-love and our love for others. When we keep coming from love, ego diminishes. We all have a degree of ego. However, too much"I" is unhealthy, and stops us from being able to put loved ones first. 

In an ego partnership, our needs always come first, above our partner.

In a love-based union, in a place of self-love , we happily meet the needs of our partner. It is a joy to do so. 

Love gives without measure. Ego takes for the self.   

To lessen our ego-based behavior, we need to mindful and come from love on every occasion. Whenever possible we need to 

- stop arguing about everything 

-stop having to be right

-stop criticizing and laying blame 

-stop withholding love as punishment 

-stop  playing power games 

-stop diminishing 

-stop shaming others

- stop making up lies to hold the powerwith

-stop taking and not giving back

-stop defending, judging, and avoiding issues 

-stop being selfish 

-stop hurting others to assert our power

-stop disconnecting from loved ones

-stop being mean, nasty, or cruel

Instead in love we

-find ways to agree and find compromise

-embrace others and accept their right to their own opinions or beliefs

-give praise and encouragement

-give love unconditionally 

-refrain from power playing

-lift our loved ones up, especially when they are down

-show how proud we are of them

-speak the truth kindly

-be willing to sacrifice our needs when necessary 

-be giving and kind 

-show compassion and understanding

-listen in an nonjudgmental way 

-be open to advice and show respect for others

-be willing to admit our wrongdoings

-strive never to intentionally hurt another person or animal

- love unconditionally in every situation we encounter

All of us can move from an ego-based life but there is only one path to success. It is the path of unconditional love. With a loving intention, every step moves us further away from ego and closer to love. Love dissolves the ego, and makes us whole again. 

How to say no.

For some of us, saying no is hard. We may have been brought up as pleasers and this is an inbuilt response.
Saying no when we don't want to do something is being honest. Life sends us many difficult people and situations and saying no can challenge even the strongest souls.
When we decide to stand up and speak our truth it may feel uncomfortable and bring up fear. We may even feel guilty. However, looking after ourselves is an act of self-love. We are doing what is intuitively best for us and honoring who we are.
To start, we  decide how best to say no. Next, we have to work out the best method. Using distance can work well. If we need we can use email, text, or voicemail.
Without the other person trying to persuade us we are more likely to get an outcome that we need.
Face to face is good but in the beginning it may be too challenging.
Once we see that looking after our needs is a healthy choice, saying no becomes easier.