Love and acceptance...from the book "Staying in Love."

Love and acceptance

Love and acceptance are fundamental to all good relationships.

When we love someone, especially in an unconditional way, it feeds the partnership and gives support through all kinds of trouble. Love is the key. It opens us up to being connected to one another in an amazing way.

Without love and acceptance, few relationships remain healthy and last for long. We are by nature flawed individuals all learning our own lessons and making messes along the way. The life we have can bring with it many pressures and problems to work through. Subsequently, just like our life is continually changing, so are we.   

Love is the one emotion that can heal the outcome. Whenever you have to deal with a hard part of the partnership strive to come from place of love, not anger or blame. Of course, it is natural to want to vent and blame. Nevertheless, it will spoil all good relationships in the end. The anger and blame may be valid; however, when we base our solution on those emotions, it will turn out poorly. 

Coming from a place of love will guide us through the storms and bring us to a better, happier outcome.

Acceptance is also paramount. Acceptance is not saying everything is totally okay. Acceptance is a form of love. It is letting go of all the past and moving ahead. Tolerance is similar to acceptance because we find a way to be okay with the decision or situation.

To have been given a loving relationship is a gift. Keep in mind that not everyone is so fortunate. Therefore, try to focus on your love and use it to guide and heal you. Life is short and tricky but with love around, we can surmount even the most difficult problems if we wish to stay together. It simply takes time and effort.  

Feeling disconnected in a connected world

With all the means of connection at our disposal we are the loneliest we have ever been.

It is because to connect on a satisfying level we need to connect energetically. Most of us have to hear the voice and more importantly, be in the same physical space to get nourished.

When we write and text it does form a connection but it gives us less than a real space connection.
By nature we are flock animals who herd together and get our nourishment by being together.

If you are having too many "away connections" like email, text, Facebook be aware of this. While they serve a purpose the feed from them is much less and so is the real connection.

Keep a balance between seeing people in the same room as well as these disconnected methods.
Then that lonely sense we can all feel will be quelled.

Choose to physically connect as opposed to technically and notice the difference. The body and the voice satisfy us like nothing else. 

Everything has its purpose. However, as we become more reliant on the technical world our humanness is being diminished. A coffee with a friend, a hug or a phone call will be so much more satisfying for us. And our connection with these individuals will be stronger and more intact.

If you wish to feel more connected use the physical forms to balance your life back.

It will feed who we truly are.

Conditional love

Conditional love is very common for us. It is a learned way to love and requires us to judge and decide who receives our love or not. The majority of people came from conditional love backgrounds.

In these homes, you are loved, but it can be taken away if you upset them or misbehave. In general, they also decide what punishment fits the crime. In some cases, it might be something serious like stealing, going to jail, etc. Then the punishment exacted can be very hard and unforgiving. The offender can be completely cut out from the entire family for months or forever.

However, in many families it can be as simple as for standing up to them or refusing to attend a family event. Even a request to change an event location or simple non-compliance can set off a massive chain of events.  

Often, there are different rules for various people in the family and this causes even more confusion. For example, the favorite son might choose to spend his Christmas with friends in Europe, and this is accepted while the daughter can’t have the family Christmas with everyone invited at her home.  

Conditional love by its name means there are conditions, and these can alter for different situations or family members. Conditional love always has a power component. It rests on doing whatever they want or the love is withdrawn. The love is used as a weapon.

The danger of being brought up like this is that we may not understand that there are two kinds of love, conditional and unconditional love. Sadly, we can learn only the conditional form of love.

Conditional love can cripple even the most wonderful relationship. This is because as it has a lot of conditions. I will love you if you do this, are like this, behave in this way, etc. Then if you don’t do as I say I will punish you. 

This can involve withdrawal of love, the guilt treatment, the cold shoulder and being made to submit or face the consequences. My parents were skilled in conditional love, and in a way they were great teachers.

Love like this is a form of emotional abuse. 

Conditional love means we can be loving as well as cruel and mean. There are always strict rules to follow, which can also change in a twinkling. Unfortunately, when the rules shift and slide we can easily fall prey to this changing environment. It is an unpredictable type of love. One day, you can be on the family love boat, and the next day you can be all alone in an emotional desert.    

Of course, we all use conditional love at times. However, if it becomes the basis of our partnerships, it will not bring happiness. Added to this, the foundation will be rocky. This is because all the rules made by other family members will make it an unrelaxing way to live.

The best way to recognize conditional love is by watching how people treat others when they are displeasing them. It is also the best way to see it in ourselves. We have all been angry and disappointed with others. Nevertheless, with unconditional love, we will react differently. 

Apart from our family, if we have a partner who loves us unconditionally, and we love conditionally there will be strife. It works in the reverse as well.

Love should be encompassing. Love has wide gates and is forgiving. Unconditional love does not do this at all. 

Keep in mind that coming from our childhood homes does not excuse us from adopting the conditional love model. It is a choice we make. As adults, it is up to us to step up and live in a better way.  

Connecting down the layers

Connecting down the layers

When we initially meet someone, we connect on what I like to name as the first layer. Here we begin the discovery of each other.

The first level is where we instantly connect and feel a desire to know this person more. Normally, the subjects we speak about are more superficial, but not always. In some cases, we can quickly communicate in a very meaningful way. The first layer is exciting, and our interest is spiked so that we wish to continue meeting.

Then as the relationship develops we begin to filter down into the layers, further and further down. It is in this place that problems can start to surface. Knowing someone on level one may feel completely different to knowing them on level ten. People tend not to consider these layers as they progress into the partnership. Sadly, it in these deeper layers that the sparkle and enthusiasm can begin to wane.

This is a natural and healthy evolvement in all of our relationships from romantic ones to friendships. However, no one seems to be prepared to face this challenge. Honestly, it can be disconcerting to hit the bumps so to speak and be unable to figure out what is happening.

None of us are totally alike. We come from different genetic and environmental backgrounds, besides having our individual personalities. A realistic view taken by people could avert much angst and suffering. It is normal to strike aspects of our partner that we neither understand nor possibly like. However, when we face this, it is not necessary to give up on the future of our relationship. 

There will be occasions when we definitely are on different wave lengths. These are the layers that both of us may have to accept and if needed, begin to work through. 

Good relationships embrace and foster difference. Our partner does not have to believe or agree with our point of view to make it all work. We can all agree to disagree.

For years, in our marriage we would hit layers in which we could not see eye to eye. At first, we tried to convince and change each other's mind, but it was to no avail. Then we accepted that on this layer that we could allow each one another to stand with their differences.  

Numerous differences need to be factored in as we move through our layers of "getting to know you." Sometimes this getting to know you process can be rather disappointing and the enlightenment it gives is not always well-received. 

In real life the deeper we explore the layers the more chance there will be for discord. The challenge is how to embrace the differences and remain in a healthy space within the relationship. For example, you might be able to put up with his opinion on smoking yet have no leeway with his stance on drugs. Then only you can know how this particular layer can be dealt with. It is between the two individuals involved.   

If more people could understand why, as times goes by, the chasm between them increases, then they could agree to tackle the obstacles in another manner. For some, these obstacles can be opportunities for growth or a change.        

In certain partnerships, people will only be prepared to absorb so many layers before calling it quits. It is a shame though because having conquered and sorted out layer five may bring us to layer six in which we have more commonalities. Not all the layers will present problems. 

There is always something new to learn about the person we live with. These revelations can be opportunities or blocks ahead. It all depends what the issue is and how pivotal it is to the partnership. 

In addition, as time passes, we change and as do our bias and knowledge bank. Perhaps what we could not cope with as a thirty-year-old may be very different once we are in our sixties. Age can bring a broader understanding and a wider view. Getting older does not mean that we have to become less flexible. With the massive changes in our world, we can be challenged every day to expand our consciousness and outlook.

Flexibility is not only for the young because life experiences can help you grow wiser and make you more tolerant and flexible. In my opinion, it is stubbornness, not age that is the real source of inflexibility.    

Therefore, consider your relationship in terms of the layers and see them as a chance to know your partner more. In turn, both of you can find ways to embrace one another’s individual take or personality trait.   

Relationships are like rivers that twist, divert and change. Be open to the changes as you sail deeper into your togetherness and seek to find healthy and loving solutions. 

Unconditional love

This is from my new book called "Staying in Love"available next year...enjoy Love Wendy x

Unconditional love

This kind of love is love at its purest. We love others, allow mistakes and can easily forgive. Forgiveness is a strong component in unconditional love.

Few people figure out how to love in this manner, and even fewer want to try. When we love like this, we give up power. The relationships are not based on power plays and games. There is enormous freedom as well. Everyone can be themselves without constant fear or judgement.

Best of all we realize that we cannot change another person, nor should we. The only one who can make the changes is the person for no one will ever alter on a deep level, unless they want to. They might acquiesce or appear to cooperate; however, there will be no deeper change. 

There is less judgement of others with unconditional love. Everyone is allowed to be who they are without punishment.

Punishment is a powerful aspect of conditional love whereas forgiveness and tolerance are common with unconditional love.

When we love unconditionally we say that we accept you as you are. When there are negative patterns, you can change some aspects of yourself if you choose, but basically, we love you today as you are. There are much freedom and capacity for growth and trust in this type of love. Most true friends have this kind of love. We accept our friends with all their differences and stand by their side in love.    

In a romantic relationship, we may find it hard to work out what kind of love we are experiencing. Both partners can fluctuate due to their learned responses and childhood damage. Frequently, we are drawn to another person who has lived in similar environments, especially as a child. This brings with it inherent understandings. However, it also means that we are struggling with the same issues around love.  

Coming from a conditional love background, it may be easy to fall back into old familiar patterns. I noticed that my partner’s behavior could trigger a conditional love response from me before I realized I was even acting in that way. Our responses can be so automatic that we can be blind to them. Nevertheless, once I saw another way to react, I could alter it and come from a better space. Over time with lots of self-stalking I could catch myself and choose to be more forgiving and love unconditionally.    

The fact that we can be blind to our responses and actions is quite challenging especially when they are a pattern from years back. They can be so automatic that we can do them without consciously recognizing that we are. Added to that, we may deny it when we are confronted with it. These patterns are extremely hard to see and break. It requires a great deal of unconditional love by our partner to help us work through them, particularly when it is hurting them emotionally.

Unconditional love, by its very name, means that there few conditions. However, there will invariably be times when we do set our own conditions. It is simply human nature. Fidelity, honesty, etc. might be these types of conditions. Nonetheless, if our partner steps over the line to what we both agreed to, then new decisions need to be made. With conditional love, there will be no flexibility and forgiveness. There is also little open communication or negotiation. We are generally sent away.    

With unconditional love, we all understand that humans are fickle and changing creatures and that we all mess up sometimes.

On a positive note, if there is open dialogue, and we are coming from a place of love, we can separate the two kinds of love. Although we might want to punish our partner and might be extremely angry with them, there can be room to manoeuvre. 

Reconciliation is a common outcome when issues arise. It takes strength and good intention to be a loving partner when all you want to do is to slam the door in their face. Nonetheless, if we are striving to be in an unconditional love relationship, we will allow the emotions to be expressed in a safe way and only then make plans for the future. Everyone will have a chance to talk and explain their point of view, and be genuinely open to change and better outcomes.    

As mentioned earlier, forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools used to save any relationship. Of course, while we are as mad as hell, we can’t really forgive. However, once the feelings have subsided it becomes a healing option.

Forgiveness never says it was okay. It says although we did not like it, we are willing to show understanding and continue to be loving. Forgiveness never focuses on condoning or excusing the behavior or action. 

Without the use of unconditional love, most relationships would never have lasted. There are always problems coming up to be worked through and some of them require great forgiveness. Only you can decide where your lines or conditions begin and end. In your partnership the two of you can work it out. In our culture, forgiveness can be seen as foolish or as a weakness. For instance, taking back an unfaithful partner or a lying mate is normally viewed with contempt.    

However, each partnership brings with it its own lessons, and we should not be dictated by social norms. We set up scenarios for us to work through. Therefore, how we interpret and respond to these issues becomes a relationship issue, not a society one. It is our choice, no one else’s. 

One of the aspects of unconditional love is the relaxing quality it has. We can feel free to express and be ourselves without judgment and scrutiny. There is room to grow on an individual and couple level. After coming from conditional love backgrounds most of us will feel a sense of true love and total acceptance.

In the end, all we really want is to be loved and accepted by those dear to our hearts.  Unconditional love gives us that.