Connecting down the layers

Connecting down the layers

When we initially meet someone, we connect on what I like to name as the first layer. Here we begin the discovery of each other.

The first level is where we instantly connect and feel a desire to know this person more. Normally, the subjects we speak about are more superficial, but not always. In some cases, we can quickly communicate in a very meaningful way. The first layer is exciting, and our interest is spiked so that we wish to continue meeting.

Then as the relationship develops we begin to filter down into the layers, further and further down. It is in this place that problems can start to surface. Knowing someone on level one may feel completely different to knowing them on level ten. People tend not to consider these layers as they progress into the partnership. Sadly, it in these deeper layers that the sparkle and enthusiasm can begin to wane.

This is a natural and healthy evolvement in all of our relationships from romantic ones to friendships. However, no one seems to be prepared to face this challenge. Honestly, it can be disconcerting to hit the bumps so to speak and be unable to figure out what is happening.

None of us are totally alike. We come from different genetic and environmental backgrounds, besides having our individual personalities. A realistic view taken by people could avert much angst and suffering. It is normal to strike aspects of our partner that we neither understand nor possibly like. However, when we face this, it is not necessary to give up on the future of our relationship. 

There will be occasions when we definitely are on different wave lengths. These are the layers that both of us may have to accept and if needed, begin to work through. 

Good relationships embrace and foster difference. Our partner does not have to believe or agree with our point of view to make it all work. We can all agree to disagree.

For years, in our marriage we would hit layers in which we could not see eye to eye. At first, we tried to convince and change each other's mind, but it was to no avail. Then we accepted that on this layer that we could allow each one another to stand with their differences.  

Numerous differences need to be factored in as we move through our layers of "getting to know you." Sometimes this getting to know you process can be rather disappointing and the enlightenment it gives is not always well-received. 

In real life the deeper we explore the layers the more chance there will be for discord. The challenge is how to embrace the differences and remain in a healthy space within the relationship. For example, you might be able to put up with his opinion on smoking yet have no leeway with his stance on drugs. Then only you can know how this particular layer can be dealt with. It is between the two individuals involved.   

If more people could understand why, as times goes by, the chasm between them increases, then they could agree to tackle the obstacles in another manner. For some, these obstacles can be opportunities for growth or a change.        

In certain partnerships, people will only be prepared to absorb so many layers before calling it quits. It is a shame though because having conquered and sorted out layer five may bring us to layer six in which we have more commonalities. Not all the layers will present problems. 

There is always something new to learn about the person we live with. These revelations can be opportunities or blocks ahead. It all depends what the issue is and how pivotal it is to the partnership. 

In addition, as time passes, we change and as do our bias and knowledge bank. Perhaps what we could not cope with as a thirty-year-old may be very different once we are in our sixties. Age can bring a broader understanding and a wider view. Getting older does not mean that we have to become less flexible. With the massive changes in our world, we can be challenged every day to expand our consciousness and outlook.

Flexibility is not only for the young because life experiences can help you grow wiser and make you more tolerant and flexible. In my opinion, it is stubbornness, not age that is the real source of inflexibility.    

Therefore, consider your relationship in terms of the layers and see them as a chance to know your partner more. In turn, both of you can find ways to embrace one another’s individual take or personality trait.   

Relationships are like rivers that twist, divert and change. Be open to the changes as you sail deeper into your togetherness and seek to find healthy and loving solutions.