New link

Here is my new YouTube post on surviving grief

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCC-dTXOuihBeh5bRr1VR5aA

The give and take of love....from "It's all about.....Love

When we love another, there is give and take. There has to be a balance for everything to function well. During particular times, there will be imbalances but these are usually righted. We can’t only be the giver or the taker.

A love partnership allows us to experience give and take more than any other union. Giving works well and everyone wants to show their love. Time is given, gifts are given, and kind gestures are made. At the beginning of new unions, the giving propels the relationship ahead. The depth of the exchange can be quite phenomenal. People can shelter others, give them money, and do extraordinary acts in the name of love.

Nonetheless, in love partnerships there can be a discrepancy in this area.

First, let's look at the givers. Although givers are great at giving, they are notoriously poor at receiving and this makes balance impossible. As soon as we give them something or help them, they have a compulsion to pay us back. If this sounds like you, maybe it is time to change that aspect of your behavior. With me, it came from feeling unworthy of receiving. There was also an element of control on my part, a feeling that by letting another give to me meant that I was not in control. After working on my issues, it has become easier on both counts. Still, I had to see why I was uncomfortable with this process and then decide to alter my response.

Parents are notoriously bad in this department, especially with their adult children. They give only to be taken on a family ride. No one forces us to give. Generally, the decades of giving to our children set us up for being treated in this way. For one person to give when another gives little or nothing is a kind of abuse. Generally, this keeps happening when we fail to understand what is occurring and consequently, fail to balance it.

When we love others, it is necessary to be clear-sighted. Everyone has their own measure of give and take; we need to be mindful of who is putting in and who is taking.

Love is a two-way action in its purest form. With children and young teens, we expect the balance to go their way. Whereas, in adult relationships we have to respond differently. We need to seek balance. Some of our loved ones will never face their part in giving, and regrettably, at every opportunity, they will take. In these circumstances, all we can do is not to be blind-sided.

Take a moment and look around at your circle of loved ones. Next, figure out how this give and take dynamic is operating in your world. Are you always giving? Are they always taking? Which relationships are too lopsided? Which relationships are quite balanced? Where are the imbalances?

Everyone is entitled to give as much as they choose. Everyone is entitled to take as much as they want and that is where the giver needs to establish a new order. If we don’t want to be taken, then we must make the decision not to let ourselves be. It could be as simple as not giving until the other party gives back, or only giving when we can cope with the disappointment of not receiving in return.

Although we all want to be wonderful generous souls who never count the cost, we don’t want to be used. There is a fine line between the two parts of our nature. We need to maintain our ability to give, while considering our need for self-love and self-worth. We also need to nurture ourselves, not only others, in our quest to be loving and giving individuals.

When it comes to receiving, everyone has their own learning. Some live to get and have no conscience in taking the last piece of cake. Frequently, these people show themselves if we choose to see. With them, we have to be on red alert and hide our stuff. We might have to make sure they take their wallet when we go out for dinner, or we will be paying the bill. They are takers, but we don’t have to dance to their tune. We must be realistic with loved ones who habitually take, and set limits with them.

Making boundaries will stop anger from festering and discourage them to a degree. We must not let ourselves be manipulated into handing over money or being roped into doing their work, unless it suits us. Normally, takers are skilled at getting what they want.

Entitlement features high with takers. Somewhere in their psyche they truly believe that the world owes them and of course, so do we! Entitlement is a strange and fairly entrenched aspect of their personality. From their perspective, it validates all their actions and justifies what they do. Givers have no entitlement issues. They give and tend to stand back rather than push their agenda. For givers, entitlement smacks of selfishness, and they are uncomfortable with that behavior.