Connecting down the layers

Connecting down the layers

When we initially meet someone, we connect on what I like to name as the first layer. Here we begin the discovery of each other.

The first level is where we instantly connect and feel a desire to know this person more. Normally, the subjects we speak about are more superficial, but not always. In some cases, we can quickly communicate in a very meaningful way. The first layer is exciting, and our interest is spiked so that we wish to continue meeting.

Then as the relationship develops we begin to filter down into the layers, further and further down. It is in this place that problems can start to surface. Knowing someone on level one may feel completely different to knowing them on level ten. People tend not to consider these layers as they progress into the partnership. Sadly, it in these deeper layers that the sparkle and enthusiasm can begin to wane.

This is a natural and healthy evolvement in all of our relationships from romantic ones to friendships. However, no one seems to be prepared to face this challenge. Honestly, it can be disconcerting to hit the bumps so to speak and be unable to figure out what is happening.

None of us are totally alike. We come from different genetic and environmental backgrounds, besides having our individual personalities. A realistic view taken by people could avert much angst and suffering. It is normal to strike aspects of our partner that we neither understand nor possibly like. However, when we face this, it is not necessary to give up on the future of our relationship. 

There will be occasions when we definitely are on different wave lengths. These are the layers that both of us may have to accept and if needed, begin to work through. 

Good relationships embrace and foster difference. Our partner does not have to believe or agree with our point of view to make it all work. We can all agree to disagree.

For years, in our marriage we would hit layers in which we could not see eye to eye. At first, we tried to convince and change each other's mind, but it was to no avail. Then we accepted that on this layer that we could allow each one another to stand with their differences.  

Numerous differences need to be factored in as we move through our layers of "getting to know you." Sometimes this getting to know you process can be rather disappointing and the enlightenment it gives is not always well-received. 

In real life the deeper we explore the layers the more chance there will be for discord. The challenge is how to embrace the differences and remain in a healthy space within the relationship. For example, you might be able to put up with his opinion on smoking yet have no leeway with his stance on drugs. Then only you can know how this particular layer can be dealt with. It is between the two individuals involved.   

If more people could understand why, as times goes by, the chasm between them increases, then they could agree to tackle the obstacles in another manner. For some, these obstacles can be opportunities for growth or a change.        

In certain partnerships, people will only be prepared to absorb so many layers before calling it quits. It is a shame though because having conquered and sorted out layer five may bring us to layer six in which we have more commonalities. Not all the layers will present problems. 

There is always something new to learn about the person we live with. These revelations can be opportunities or blocks ahead. It all depends what the issue is and how pivotal it is to the partnership. 

In addition, as time passes, we change and as do our bias and knowledge bank. Perhaps what we could not cope with as a thirty-year-old may be very different once we are in our sixties. Age can bring a broader understanding and a wider view. Getting older does not mean that we have to become less flexible. With the massive changes in our world, we can be challenged every day to expand our consciousness and outlook.

Flexibility is not only for the young because life experiences can help you grow wiser and make you more tolerant and flexible. In my opinion, it is stubbornness, not age that is the real source of inflexibility.    

Therefore, consider your relationship in terms of the layers and see them as a chance to know your partner more. In turn, both of you can find ways to embrace one another’s individual take or personality trait.   

Relationships are like rivers that twist, divert and change. Be open to the changes as you sail deeper into your togetherness and seek to find healthy and loving solutions. 

Unconditional love

This is from my new book called "Staying in Love"available next year...enjoy Love Wendy x

Unconditional love

This kind of love is love at its purest. We love others, allow mistakes and can easily forgive. Forgiveness is a strong component in unconditional love.

Few people figure out how to love in this manner, and even fewer want to try. When we love like this, we give up power. The relationships are not based on power plays and games. There is enormous freedom as well. Everyone can be themselves without constant fear or judgement.

Best of all we realize that we cannot change another person, nor should we. The only one who can make the changes is the person for no one will ever alter on a deep level, unless they want to. They might acquiesce or appear to cooperate; however, there will be no deeper change. 

There is less judgement of others with unconditional love. Everyone is allowed to be who they are without punishment.

Punishment is a powerful aspect of conditional love whereas forgiveness and tolerance are common with unconditional love.

When we love unconditionally we say that we accept you as you are. When there are negative patterns, you can change some aspects of yourself if you choose, but basically, we love you today as you are. There are much freedom and capacity for growth and trust in this type of love. Most true friends have this kind of love. We accept our friends with all their differences and stand by their side in love.    

In a romantic relationship, we may find it hard to work out what kind of love we are experiencing. Both partners can fluctuate due to their learned responses and childhood damage. Frequently, we are drawn to another person who has lived in similar environments, especially as a child. This brings with it inherent understandings. However, it also means that we are struggling with the same issues around love.  

Coming from a conditional love background, it may be easy to fall back into old familiar patterns. I noticed that my partner’s behavior could trigger a conditional love response from me before I realized I was even acting in that way. Our responses can be so automatic that we can be blind to them. Nevertheless, once I saw another way to react, I could alter it and come from a better space. Over time with lots of self-stalking I could catch myself and choose to be more forgiving and love unconditionally.    

The fact that we can be blind to our responses and actions is quite challenging especially when they are a pattern from years back. They can be so automatic that we can do them without consciously recognizing that we are. Added to that, we may deny it when we are confronted with it. These patterns are extremely hard to see and break. It requires a great deal of unconditional love by our partner to help us work through them, particularly when it is hurting them emotionally.

Unconditional love, by its very name, means that there few conditions. However, there will invariably be times when we do set our own conditions. It is simply human nature. Fidelity, honesty, etc. might be these types of conditions. Nonetheless, if our partner steps over the line to what we both agreed to, then new decisions need to be made. With conditional love, there will be no flexibility and forgiveness. There is also little open communication or negotiation. We are generally sent away.    

With unconditional love, we all understand that humans are fickle and changing creatures and that we all mess up sometimes.

On a positive note, if there is open dialogue, and we are coming from a place of love, we can separate the two kinds of love. Although we might want to punish our partner and might be extremely angry with them, there can be room to manoeuvre. 

Reconciliation is a common outcome when issues arise. It takes strength and good intention to be a loving partner when all you want to do is to slam the door in their face. Nonetheless, if we are striving to be in an unconditional love relationship, we will allow the emotions to be expressed in a safe way and only then make plans for the future. Everyone will have a chance to talk and explain their point of view, and be genuinely open to change and better outcomes.    

As mentioned earlier, forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools used to save any relationship. Of course, while we are as mad as hell, we can’t really forgive. However, once the feelings have subsided it becomes a healing option.

Forgiveness never says it was okay. It says although we did not like it, we are willing to show understanding and continue to be loving. Forgiveness never focuses on condoning or excusing the behavior or action. 

Without the use of unconditional love, most relationships would never have lasted. There are always problems coming up to be worked through and some of them require great forgiveness. Only you can decide where your lines or conditions begin and end. In your partnership the two of you can work it out. In our culture, forgiveness can be seen as foolish or as a weakness. For instance, taking back an unfaithful partner or a lying mate is normally viewed with contempt.    

However, each partnership brings with it its own lessons, and we should not be dictated by social norms. We set up scenarios for us to work through. Therefore, how we interpret and respond to these issues becomes a relationship issue, not a society one. It is our choice, no one else’s. 

One of the aspects of unconditional love is the relaxing quality it has. We can feel free to express and be ourselves without judgment and scrutiny. There is room to grow on an individual and couple level. After coming from conditional love backgrounds most of us will feel a sense of true love and total acceptance.

In the end, all we really want is to be loved and accepted by those dear to our hearts.  Unconditional love gives us that.